I was in New Zealand when my mother died. We had just arrived after being in Australia for 4 weeks. Heading towards the Bay of Islands stopping at a campsite near a natural hot spa by the coast.
The phone call bringing the news in the middle of the night which surprisingly only woke me. Our first night in a new and beautiful country.
Creeping out the camper bus with only my nightdress on and a fleece jacket I managed to grab noiselessly on my way out. Sitting on the sea wall by the camper looking at the clear night filled with stars which look so different in another hemisphere. The sky nearly filling my whole view. No light pollution. Just astoundingly large and bright. Funny I cannot now remember what the moon was doing? What phase? But the wonder and the sadness I felt and the smallness we are in the universe yet the ability to fill so many people with so much love. I sat there and thought about so many things. About being a mother, about the miracle of life growing within you, about giving birth and the magic of breast feeding and nourishing those babes you love so completely. Did my mother feel the same about her babies? How honoured I felt to be a woman and to be given these gifts in life. About unconditional love.
I remember getting so cold sitting there on that wall. I wanted to get a blanket but I did not want to wake anyone, to disturb this sad but peaceful and special space I needed to have. I did not want their comfort at that time. I needed the universe, the stars and to swim in the immenseness of it all, to let my thoughts wander and ponder and reflect. But how cold I was.
There were shooting stars travelling across the sky from time to time. How magical that was. No need to say what symbolism I conjured in my mind seeing this phenomena.
I think I must have taken paper and pen out with me when I left the van? Or did I creep back in to get it knowing it was on the table just inside the door. If I did why did I not pick up a blanket? Not possible without creating disturbance? I do not now know.
I began to write my thoughts sitting on that wall below the vast sky of stars and the sea lapping on the shore. I found it cathartic and it gave what I was experiencing shape. My feelings and thoughts were so intense. I think after filling numerous pages with thoughts I then just wanted a few lines to sum up the emotion I was feeling. And these words on the tag are what I came up with.
It was quiet the day my Mother died.
Sadness is quiet.
I thought about the sunrise for me
and the sunset for her.
By now the first signs of a new day were showing. Once done I crept back into the van and curled up under the covers waiting to feel warm again.
Grungy Monday 25
Distress stains, Distress inks, Embossing folder, Butterfly die, Heart die.